Holding On
by the Black Rose
Summary: KxL, AxL, KxF. Set after the series, at Rev Malchio's war orphanage. Ignores Destiny. Kira's POV: 'I can't be her savior. I tried, but somewhere along the way, I lost my grip on solid ground. And I couldn't let her go....'


**Title:** Holding On  
**Author:** The Black Rose  
**Pairing:** Athrun x Lacus  
**Fandom:** Gundam Seed  
**Theme:** #29, the sound of waves  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam Seed. This fanfiction has no commercial value and I am not making any kind of profit or income off of this story, or the use of characters owned by Sunrise and Bandai.

**AN:** The POV is Kira's, and the story is MOSTLY Kira + Lacus in nature; however, there is a reference to Athrun + Lacus and a hint towards the end of the fic of Lacus + Athrun. Thereare also a few references to Kira + Fllay.

PS – This is my first time trying to write Kira, or Fllay. And I would like it noted that this**IS** Kira's POV, and thus his perception isn't necessarily "truth".

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Holding On

My eyelids peel open; I stare into darkness, and I miss her.

Somehow, I can feel…

I raise myself out of the sheets and glance through the stagnant air of the room at the small bed in the corner that is hers. But, I already know…

She's not there.

"Lacus?" My voice cracks; it's thick in my throat, and I can barely form the words. I push the covers down to my ankles, detangle my feet, and place my weight on the floor. I search the room with a look. My eyes dart over to the curtains over the window…

But there's no sign of her.

My heart begins to pound. And the voice of panic echoes between my ears:

_What if she's gone?_

_What if she left?_

_What if she's hurt? What if someone took her?_

I leap towards the door. She's probably in the bathroom, or the kitchen. Maybe she was hungry….

I trip over the landing in the doorway. I reach and grab the door frame, then push myself out into the hall. The tile floors feel cool against the soles of my feet. Moonlight trickles in from the end of the hall; a night light along the outside of the bathroom wall outlines the open door.

I duck my head into the small room.

"Lacus?" My voice sounds like a hoarse whisper.

There's no one there. My heart feels like its falling from my chest into my stomach.

'Where is she?'

I push back on the door frame and turn around.

_- _

_Kira…" Her pink lips curved into a gentle smile. I felt warmth and my heart ached all at once. Why?_

_"I'll stay here. With you."_

_"B-but Lacus! Wh-what about…" Athrun? Your career? The people on PLANT? Your home?_

_She tilted her head and her eyebrows knit together like she was studying me. Her blue eyes were still so innocent._

_Too innocent. For someone like me._

_Her hand came up and touched my arm. "What's wrong?"_

_So many things. "I-I-I… Nothing. I'm just surprised. That you'd want to stay here. I didn't expect it."_

_She placed her head on my shoulder. Her pink hair smelled like roses. It tickled the skin of my arm._

_"Reverend Malchio invited me to stay. I...I can't go back, Kira. My father…" _

_Her tears were warm through the fabric of my shirt. I knew her pain, I could feel it in the way she clutched my arm – and held on to me for dear life. _

_-_

But I can't be her savior. I tried, but I…somewhere along the way, I lost my grip on solid ground. And I couldn't let her go, either. So I feel…I feel as if I have us both lost at sea. Two lifeboats without anchors, with no land in sight…

At the first sign of a storm, we'll both be lost.

The floor still moves beneath my feet. I hear my skin slap against the tile as I round the corner and stare into the darkened kitchen.

"Lacus?" I call out a little louder this time. My voice catches and is no longer just a whisper. My pulse is racing. My heart pounds so loudly, I could swear it's going to wake the other occupants of the house.

"Lacus?"

_-- _

_She stood near the stove, her eyes staring off into space, even as she continued to slowly stir the mixture in the bowl. The telltale pink haro rocked nearby on the counter…. _

_"If you think about it, Athrun and I both belong here in a way." Her arm stopped its stirring motion and her hand reached over and grabbed Haro. "Ms. Attha as well."_

_My heart splintered. I still had parents…still talked to them from time to time. "I never thought about it. You're a war orphan, too."_

_"Just a little older than the rest." She turned my way and yet still held her memory of Athrun close to her chest. "It's harder for them. They're…so many of them are too young." Her blue eyes flickered in the overhead light. Tears. Only she could cry for those who couldn't. _

_"They won't even be able to remember one day. At least I… At least I knew my father…" She glanced down towards the floor. "I know he loved me."_

_I smiled. And for once, I knew the words to say. "Of course he did. And I'm sure he's still watching over you – right now."_

_She dove into my arms. I staggered back two steps before I caught my balance. Lacus grabbed the front of my shirt, and I could feel her whole body tremble. My arms circled her waist, and it felt…_

_"I'm here." I said to the top of her head. "It'll be all right."_

_I pulled her closer and kissed her hair._

_And set us both adrift at sea._

_

* * *

She nibbled at my lips and her hands tugged at the bottom of my shirt. It came loose from where I had tucked it in my pants. But… "Why…" I asked when her lips left mine. She froze. "Why do you want me, Fllay?" _

_"Silly Kira." Her voice sounded teasing, and she tossed her dark, crimson hair with her right hand. But her eyes never met mine._

_"I'm serious." I took a step back. I couldn't always…think straight when she was so close to me. "I-I don't understand."_

_"What are you trying to say?" Fllay stuck her bottom lip out and looked up at me with that…look. That look that set my blood on fire and made me lose my mind. "That you don't want me?"_

_"That's not it! I just mean…" I mean I hate myself when I'm with you, but I can't get you out of my mind. "…what about Sai? What about…what about the fact that I'm a Coordinator?"_

_"Well, I don't really care about that Coordinator stuff anymore. Of course I want to defeat the ones that killed my father, but they have nothing to do with you, Kira." She stepped closer and placed both palms on my chest. Her blue eyes smiled up at me through thick lashes. I caught my breath. She really was—_

_"You're fighting for the Earth forces."_

_"Y-yeah. B-but—" Her lips pressed against mine, again, and I was falling…into that pit again. The one with slick walls. The one I couldn't climb out of no matter how much I knew…_

_It just wasn't right to be there._

_She broke the kiss, but didn't pull away. "And Sai isn't half the man you are, Kira. I could tell…the first time you kissed me."_

_"Fllay…" _

_-_

"Lacus?" My hands are shaking, now. The room grows colder, and my skin feels like it is made of ice. I snap the light on in the kitchen and jog into the room. I turn and look from one end of the kitchen to the other.

She isn't here.

"Lacus!" I can feel my heart skipping beats, but I don't care if it wants to stop, or fall out onto the floor. I have to find her. "LACUS!" I turn this way and that, and stumble over my own feet to get back into the living room.

Perhaps…perhaps one of the kids had woken up and she had gone to tuck them in. She could have fallen asleep in one of their rooms.

'She could have left me.'

I shove the thought aside and start across the living room. My eyes glance at the naked window next to the back door. And the dark night beyond the glass.

Something moves.

I stop.

'Lacus…'

I spin on my heel and sprint towards the door. My hand reaches for the doorknob; it rattles as I twist it.

The door is unlocked.

I shove it open and am instantly greeted by the cool wind slapping against my face. The moon is full and it beams bright light across the beach that's just beyond the iron fence the good Reverend built to keep 'his' children away from the dangerous waters.

I scan the property – looking for…whatever moved. For Lacus.

'Please…'

_-_

_My friend…my friend of so many years stood beside the wooden rail that separated the deck from the beach - with his back to me. His head was bowed, and Athrun… I sighed. "Don't…don't you need to bring her back with you?"_

_"Lacus?" His head lifted up, but he still wouldn't turn around._

_"Yeah. Sh-she is your fiancée, right?" _

_Athrun finally turned; he looked in her direction, and his eyes told me everything. I knew the guy, had known him for a long time._

_But more than that…_

_I knew that look._

_It's the same one that stared back at me every morning when I woke up. That look of defeat. _

_And loss._

_"Athrun…"_

_"My father ended our arrangement." He spoke to where she moved, seemingly miles away, taking a small line of children – holding hands – for a walk near the edge of the ocean. "She's…free to do whatever she wants."_

_"Is that really…okay with you?"_

_His eyes never turned away from her. But if he thought he was hiding anything…_

_"Yeah. She should…I want her to be happy." _

_-_

I run towards the fence, my heart gallops ahead of me. I look one way and then the other as I speed across the wooden deck. The breeze picks up and stings my eyes. I can smell the salt sea air thick with the summer heat. Wood planks bite into the soles of my feet, but it doesn't matter.

All that matters is—

"A lonely moonlit night…High above the stars so bright…" Her song carries on the wind. I stumble forward and come to a dead stop.

"I wonder if the moon above…knows how to love…"

I sigh and lean against the wrought iron bars. Her voice feels like its sinking into my skin; I see her move from behind the shadows cast by an elevated gathering of palm trees, out into the light. Her steps are graceful across the sand. She turns, and spins – her pink hair must be loose because it tosses wildly about her on the breeze.

The moonlight dances with her. It touches her hair and wraps silver arms around her nightgown. Breakers lap the shore, and the sound of waves, at times, drown out her voice. But just to watch her…

"I whisper your name... I feel my heart do the same…"

She's beautiful.

_-_

_Her mouth was warm, but delicate. I felt awkward and coarse kissing her, devouring her lips… I broke the kiss and stepped back. Somehow, my hands had become tangled in the straps of her dress – and pulled them over her shoulders. My hands…_

_"Kira?" The little makeup she wore, her lipstick was smeared, and her hair had come down from its ponytail. Probably my doing as well._

_"I-I'm sorry." I took another step back. "I…don't really know what came over me."_

_"It's okay. I…" _

_I felt the end of my bed connect with the back of my knees. _

_Lacus turned her head and looked away. But I…I needed—_

_"You're still in love with her, aren't you, Kira?"_

_"Lacus…" The edge of the mattress rose up to meet me. _

_"That's why we're both here, isn't it?" Her voice was soft, but he could still hear it tremble. _

_"Because we can't be with the ones we love?" _

_-- _

Her arms float up to form straight lines from her shoulders, then drift down to wrap around her waist. My hand reaches between the iron fencing – reaching out to her. I've never tried before…

Moonlight trills on the top of the water, glittering in the distance as she continues her lithe movements across the sand. The wind picks up, but though it rifles my pajamas, and tosses her hair and nightgown…

She doesn't falter.

"…a kiss for a new day… Let the stars light our way."

My hand returns to my side, and I continue to watch. She's still dancing with the moon - enjoying something so simple.

And I'm forever watching from a cage.


End file.
